ENVOY OF FEAR AND LOATHING DESCENDS ON THE SWEETIE

On Monday morning, a certain summer-session student was ensconced in a dark corner of the FAU library, immersed in the singular joys of rigid bodies and simple harmonic motion. At the same time this young man was marauding his meathood before a university urinal, the sweetie was not far away studying the mathematical particulars of pendulums and moments of inertia in preparation for a physics test. Sometime around noon, she was approached by a particularly youthful-looking student (or ersatz student) who was spending another in a long series of rainy days surveying library patrons about their religious beliefs and tailoring a well-honed if ingenuous piffle-pitch to suit individual respondents' outlooks on the Almighty.

Inevitably, this fresh-faced interloper came face to face with the sweetie, who was as accommodating as one might expect someone not altogether inclined to hear an automaton bleep and blurp away about the joys of mainstream cult involvement. Without resorting to language that would have addled this rubelike organism, the sweetie noted that her own "faith" rested in materialism and naturalism alone and that these far-flung concepts were as sufficient as God was unnecessary. The rubelike organism, now wide-eyed beyond any stereotypical characterization, claimed to have never met an atheist and balked at the notion of science being any more useful than a gock on a nun, let alone a plausible means of explaining anything already well addressed by the Bible's more practical passages concerning earth-space science, zoology, and the engineering of seafaring vessels.

The lass eventually departed after serving up a name (Megan [redacted]), a telephone number ([redacted]), a pamphlet confirming her status as a representative of Campus Crusade for Christ, a group whose mission is to send barely-of-age virgins around the countryside to receive pudenda-searing 150-thrusts-per-minute dog-style rummellings at the loins of brilliant evolutionary biologists, cocaine-snorting cosmologists, and cross-burning geologists. Well, not quite, but such a bombastic, chaotic and righteous mission would be far more memorable for both observers and participants than the truth, which is why religion carries so much of modern society's day in the first place.

I have previously visited the topic of Christianity, from its demonstrably false basis to its hideous panoply of failings, not the least of which is a woefully large contingent of relentlessly flummoxed Americans whose de facto mission is not to spread sweetness and light but to trample freedoms and ruin life in the free world for everyone not part of their gigantic shambling parade. (Should you think this an exaggeration, understand that this mission is belied by the only partial success of these menaces to date.) But in maligning an enemy largely confined to relatively abstract or distant niches -- e.g., the Web and the media -- it is easy to ignore the raw revulsion the Christian horror story elicits in the alert and unguarded.

Make no mistake: The pamphlets these people hand out are truly offensive. They are evil. People are Sinful, We Must Receive Christ, He Died in Our Place, He Rose from the Dead, He is the Only Way to God, You Can Receive Christ Right Now By Faith Through Prayer, Do Not Depend on Feelings -- these all come straight from the tract and are duly supported by relevant scripture, as are examples of never-observed and unobservable phenomena such as waltzing corpses and infinite lifespans. In short, He Took it Up the Arse Because the Rest of Us Oopsed, So Join Up (and Pay Up) or Burn in Hell.

It is shaky enough to demand that anyone believe this nuttiness and implore them to somehow look beyond it to a comforting but absurd expectation -- everlasting life in unmitigated bliss as a reward for blind subservience, unrequited and unrequitable devotion and a ludicrous practiced aversion to pleasurable things (save for buffet-mongering). Worse yet are religion's inroads on progressive alternatives to holy-rolling, e.g., unfettered access t皜 the teachings of modern science, ethically oriented and life-saving developments in biotechnology, steps toward world peace. But the kicker is the cherry on top: The entire American version of religious idiocy is but one more sham, another way of separating people from their money. The church has preyed on countless wallets with their false promises, among them my senescent grandfather, who the last half-dozen years of his life was seduced by a human turd representing a Baptist church and thenceforth wrote a considerable number of checks to the Lord, or so he believed.

At the level of spreading the gospel, however, beaming specimens like the one at work in the library the other day think they're doing no small amount of good. The higher-ups along the chain of corruption know better, but little darlings like Megan really believe they're spreading not a gloriously unoriginal tale heralding political corruption, false prophets, and other ecclesiastical horseshit -- all overseen by a deity whose chief powers are vicious mockery and the inelegant waving of a chancre-covered and priapic phallus at supplicating suckers -- but hope and salvation. And the populace at large quietly abets their collective and calamitous quest. In fact, only at this point in this gentle tirade have I become aware of overstepping both good sense and my proclivities in hastening earlier to portray Megan as a daft but fundamentally caring soul. That she may well be -- but this isn't the point. Where I used terms like "fresh-faced interloper" and "youthful-looking student" I should have inserted "hapless sower of ignorance" and "unwittingly malevolent twat." I recommend no more breaks for this crew.

Vexing is the lack of access to serious dissenting conversations with these slackly grinning sunbeams from hell. If nothing else, they are programmed to parry with uncanny efficiency every reasonable and unreasonable retort cast their way short of heavy ordnance or a series of rabbit kicks to the crotch. Anger on the part of the solicited is a sign not of impatience with having one's space invaded and time wasted by a moonatic, but of anger at, with or without conscious distance from, God. Embracing evolution is not a belief in its own right but a wayward act of aggression or a sign of coercion by uniformly atheistic scientists. Each rationale for rejecting a dose of sugar-coated bile is improperly ascribed to jaundice directed not at freakfucked and decidedly earth-borne chicanery but at Him, for the Bible teaches that people left to their own mundane devices are slime. (Well, any fictional anthology that long is bound to include a fact or two.)

The only apparent reason these "messengers" get away with this sort of accusatory dickery is because in terms of attracting new followers, all but a tiny fraction of their evangelical efforts are in vain. Yes, there are millions of fifth-degree, gay-hating, Jew-reviling Christians out there -- diehards who are all too happy to tell you about their guarantee of eternal life and their persecution at the hands of secularist liberals helping to advance befaggered agendas. But the overwhelming majority of evangelical believers have been molded from the crib into the proud people they are today, and the few converts either eventually sober up eventually or die from their Alzheimer's.

This, incidentally, is not merely an atheistic perspective. There are plenty of people with diffuse or even solid beliefs about a personal creator, life-force, or what have you that feel the same way about dogmatic Christians and other yap-happy, intellectually discharged agents of religious byrulence; they could not care less whether I believe as they do and vice-versa, and with them I have no quarrel.

That conversion tactics are rarely effective, however, is not grounds for tactfully ignoring evangelicals; rather, it is firmly among the reasons why they should effectively be shat upon. "Why do you think you are forced to do this, you silly bitch?" we should ask in stentorian, moc皜ing voices (and it is no accident that the envoys of hate dispatched by the high priests are almost uniformly young and female, precisely the sort of folks whom it is nigh impossible to berate). "Do you not comprehend that if your teetering house of mildewed god-rot could stand on its own merits, it would not be forced to compete with a zillion others, and evangelicism and faith itself would be eminently dispensable?" At this point a sly but brief display of a winking, unwiped bungring here and a sweat-encrusted scrotum there would not be uncalled for in the correct physical setting.

In objective terms it would be far more appropriate for me to stand in the parking lot of a Baptist church on Sunday morning and distribute "freethinker" literature, e.g., tracts on the biological basis of common descent, the essentials of plate tectonics, and a summary of Thomas Paine's highly illustrative The Age of Reason than it is for Bible-bangers to sully people's ears, mailboxes and windshields with "inspiring" fables centering on someone committing either a grisly suicide or a gruesome homicide (or perhaps both) because everyone else was shady. Yet despite operating from a factual basis rather than bending over and belching myth after pernicious myth out of a dingleberry-limned anus, I in so behaving would be deemed a muckraker and a rabble-rouser -- not just by the devout but by so-called moderates or disinterested parties.

As has been proven time and again, the default perception of an atheist is as a disenchanted and disenfranchised exemplar of immorality, while that of a believer -- even an obvious bigot -- is of someone who simply cares. Meanwhile, Godaddled bearers of fucknuttery like Cal Thomas, who in an advanced society would be branded insane and cast unpretentiously to the fringes of society, are given column space to expand on the remarkable fact that God hasn't relieved Christians of their urges to fornicate (evidently people haven't expressed to him the urgency of this matter) and rattle on about the aims and wishes of God and Jesus as if these were extant beings regularly addressing the public at town meetings and on book-signing tours. (I am continually surprised that people whose cerebrums are so grossly compromised do not simply expire after falling asleep owing to their brainstems' inability to maintain autonomic functions such as heartbeat and respiration; that they appropriately respond to signals of hunger and thirst constitutes another scientific mystery.)

This is where global consciousness needs to change. If it doesn't, our planet should be destroyed posthaste by compassionate aliens, rational cosmonauts certain to get a chuckle out of humans' describing themselves as "intelligent life forms" and pressing the DELETE BLUE-GREEN ORB button with the very best interests of the universe in mind. If rooting out religion means openly deriding the relative innocents on the front lines -- the pawns of the operation -- so be it. HIV and smallpox virus never consciously intended any harm, either.

Yes, irony intended.
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